Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
