I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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