I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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