Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
