I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
