I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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