I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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