I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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