I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
