Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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