I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
