Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
