Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
