My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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