I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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