the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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