just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
