ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
