I wish I only lived at night.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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