at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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