:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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