I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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