Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
