A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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