i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
