wat bout pragnant strippers??
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
