i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
