I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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