Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
