Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
