OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
