i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
