how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
