This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
