I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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