I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
