Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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