i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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