She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
