college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
