Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
