What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
