Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
