Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
