dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
