My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
