I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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