I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
