I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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