I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
