My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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